Ten Things I Hate(d) About Heath

There are five stages of grief. When I heard that Heath Ledger had died I skipped stages one through four and moved straight on to stage five: acceptance. Apparently I was alone. It's been well over a week since Heath caught the dragon, but I still have to listen to Mary Hart and her ilk droning on and on about the loss of my generation's "Brando".

Hey Mary, do me a favor and shut that well-worn anus you call a mouth. My generation's "Brando" is alive and well. His name is Jake Busey.

Don't get me wrong, I don't really hate Heath Ledger. But when you hear Larry King, a man who hasn't seen a new movie since Cocoon, pretending to care about this "tragedy", something is wrong. World War II was a tragedy. Hurricane Katrina was a tragedy. Lipstick Jungle is a tragedy. But unless you are a friend or family member, Ledger's death is forty-five seconds after the weather report and before sports.

In the end, the only one to blame for all this bullshit is Heath. So, without further ado I give you Ten Things I Hate(d) About Heath. Normally I wouldn't kick a man when he's down, but since I know he won't be getting back up, why not?! ZING!

10. Ten Things I Hate About You (1999)

If you've made it this far you're probably asking yourself when/why did I become "such a vile, hate filled, little man?" The answer to when; about the same time this shitpile of a film came out. Ten Things I Hate About You is horrible, and if you enjoyed it I'll bet dollars to donuts that�A. you were in high school when it came out, and�B. you have a vagina.To answer the why, if you were in high school in the late 90's, and you have a vagina I'll also bet dollars to donuts that I did not see said vagina. You were too busy giving it up to guys that reminded you of Heath Ledger. Well he's dead now, so fuck you! I win!

9. Upstaging Brad Renfro's Death

Poor Brad Renfro. Not only did he die suddenly at the age of 25, but his family had to endure America's collective "Who? Oh yeah, that guy!"

Then, to add insult to injury, just hours after they put poor Brad's body in the ground along came old Heath to steal the spot light. Jesus, Ledger, you could have at least given him one day. Bad form.

Anyway, this one's for you, Brad. Apt Pupil was pretty good.

8. Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Cowboys used to be the manliest guys around. John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Yosemite Sam; there's no question that those dudes enjoyed sex with ladies. Even the cowboy from the Village People couldn't sway public opinion. Cowboys = Straight!

But not any more, pardner. Thanks to our dearly departed friend Heath Ledger cowboys are now gayer than George Michael blowing the ghost of Rock Hudson on the grave of Pedro from the Real World. It's gotten so bad that I can't even throw on a cowboy hat and a pair of assless chaps without someone cracking a Brokeback joke. Thanks, Heath.

7. He's Foreign!

It turns out that Mr. Movie Star wasn't even born in America. Sounds pretty un-American if you ask me.

Australia was a former penal colony, which means that for all we know Heath was the direct descendant of criminals. And unless his name turns up on all those pill bottles it would seem that apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Zing!

6. A Knight's Tale (2001)

Hey guys, lets take a film set in medieval England but use modern classic rock songs for the soundtrack!

That sounds about as entertaining as setting a Shakespearian play in a contemporary American high school. We'll call it Ten Things I Hate'th About Thee. Oh, wait!

5. You Fucked Poor Terry Gilliam

Poor Terry. You screwed him over in a way Hollywood's major studios never could. You filmed half of his latest dream project-gone-awry, and then died. Thanks, douche bag. Like Terry needed one more dead-end dream. The man deserves better! He was in Python! Way to go, Bruce, you stupid Aussie poofter .

4. Tremendous Guilt

I used to be a nice boy. I used to love my family. I used to love my county. I used to love the Church.

Not anymore. I haven't talked to my old man in five years, I haven't paid my taxes in six, and seven years ago I had an abortion (it tasted like chicken).

I feel guilty enough as it is. Now, to make matters worse, I'm mocking the death of a man who by all accounts seemed like a decent human being. But what was I gonna do, not make a joke about it? I'm sick! I can't not be an asshole!

Thanks for putting me in this position, Heath!

3. He may have fucked up the third Batman!

I'm not gonna lie; the new Batman movie looks pretty fucking sweet thanks in no small part to Heath Ledger. But now that he's gone he can't come back for part three. And to think, I was just about to forgive him for that travesty, The Patriot. Speaking of which...

2. The Patriot (2000)

The Patriot is one of the worst films of all time. If you liked it, you're an asshole. If you were in it, you're a cunt.

Look, I'm no commie, I bleed red, white and blue just like the next jingoistic idiot. But any film set in 18th century South Carolina that has a plantation owner who only hires freed slaves is just too fucking much.

"We're not slaves, we work the land�freed men."

Why didn't they just show Mel Gibson growing Fair Trade Coffee, or opening Ye Old Recycling Shoppe! It was the 1770's! Fuck you!

1. Girls, Girls, Girls

Heath Ledger could have had any girl he wanted. Young, old, skinny, fat, alive, dead; it didn't matter. The man could have tattooed the letters H, I, and V followed by a plus sign on his forehead, and he still would have gotten laid whenever he wanted.

Now, call me crazy, but if I had this power there is one thing I am positive I would not do: die. I know insomnia sucks, but at that point I wouldn't take any fucking chances.

You can keep your dangerous sleeping pills, Dr. Asshole. I'm sure I can find something to do at night. Perhaps I'll read a book, or maybe take up stamp collecting. Or maybe, just maybe I'll fuck hot bitches one after the other until the sun comes up.

Way to blow it, dipshit.

Nice State Quarter, Assholes!

In 1999 the US Department of Treasury launched the 50 State Quarters Program which honors each state in the Union with its very own Quarter. For some states choosing a design posed quite the dilemma. States like California (California Condor) and New York (Statue of Liberty) have so much cool shit to choose from that it must have been hard to decide. For other one-trick pony states like Indiana (an Indy car) and Kentucky (a racehorse) it was probably a no-brainer. Even the most useless states like Iowa (lame-ass school house) and West Virginia (some stupid bridge) came up with something that at the very least didn´t make the state look any shittier than it did before. Then there’s Ala-fucking-bama!

The top minds from across the state got together and decided that the most fitting symbol to represent their state was none other than Helen Keller. Helen fucking Keller. Nothing against her, but what does it say about your state when its most distinguished citizen’s greatest achievement was being forced to learn how to communicate with the outside world. You stupid fucking rednecks! How did it come to this?

Alabama’s Governor: OK, listen up people. We need a symbol for our state Quarter that captures the essence of our citizens, history, and culture. So put down your moonshine & grits and get to it!

Top Aid: Uh, how about a blind, deaf mute?

Alabama’s Governor: Bingo! Now crank up the Skynyrd while I cook up some Meth for the NASCAR rally. Robert E. Lee was a great man. I’m so poor and illiterate.

As the cheap joke written above demonstrates, Alabama, and the South in general, already has to contend with enough in the way of negative, mostly undeserving, stereotypes. Being compared to Helen Keller, with all her preexisting jokes (…so you can read her lips; …you’d be sad too if your name was ararhahrgahaghgraghagr), is just going to add to Alabama’s image problems. Not to mention the fact that she wouldn’t have been blind, deaf, or mute had she been born in good state, or at least one that wasn’t a scarlet fever-ridden hellhole. Is that something Alabama wants to publicize? What the fuck, guys?

A lot of people are going to say “Hey asshole, Helen Keller is a stirring symbol of overcoming adversity.” Granted, overcoming adversity is something Alabamans probably need to learn about, since they have to live in Alabama. But surely there were other stirring symbols of humanity that that could have been chosen. A quick trip to wikipedia.org’s list of famous Alabaman’s brings up lot’s of great candidates. If it’s inspiration you want, why not Jesse “Fuck Hitler” Owens? Why not Hank “Babe Ruth was a pussy” Aaron? Why not Rosa “I’ll sit where ever the fuck I want” Parks? Oh, wait. Alabama. Never mind.

And when it comes right down to it, what did the woman accomplish?

“Well, she learned to read Braille and write! Pretty impressive for a blind, deaf mute.”

Bullshit. Her movie isn’t called “the Miracle Worker” because she taught herself to read. Anne Sullivan, her teacher, was the miracle worker. If anybody should be on the fucking quarter it should be her. She taught a blind, deaf mute to read and write, for Christ’s sake! Nobody fawns like an idiot over the people Jesus miraculously cured. They give props to the J-man himself. So why does Helen Keller get to hog Anne Sullivan’s limelight? What a fucking sham!

“But what about all the books she wrote? That’s pretty impressive!”

Big fucking deal. The only way she could communicate with the outside world was by writing things down. It’s pretty easy to write a book when you have to write a paragraph every time you want to take a dump. It’s like being impressed by a Polock who eats Pierogi or a crack head who’s good with a lighter. It’s what they do.

Now if she had written a graphic novel, even one that was kind of shitty, that would have been fucking impressive. But she didn’t. Maybe her story was inspiring to people in 1902, but in today’s world where exploding alligators are fighting with pythons and homosexuals have the potential to knock up Katie Holmes, that shit just ain’t gonna cut it. By the way, what was your favorite book by Helen Keller? Exactly.

Of course some of the Western states haven’t yet released their quarter designs, so maybe this is a little premature. But unless Idaho picks the Aryan Nation compound, or Wyoming chooses Matthew Shepherd’s death fence, I don‘t think anything is going to top Alabama‘s choice. Way to go Alabama. You’ve lowered the bar yet again.

Satan Files Paternity Suit Against Anna Nicole Smith

LOS ANGELES, CA (TPP) -- Satan the Accuser, Eternal Prince of Darkness, has filed papers in California seeking to establish paternity of the late Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. He is the fifth potential father to come forward since Smith's sudden death on February 8th.

At a news conference outside the courthouse, Lucifer's attorney and longtime spokesperson Gloria Allred claimed that her client had a sexual relationship with Smith in January 2006, when the baby was likely to have been conceived.

"The child born to Anna Nicole on September 7th, 2006, the year one, is the flesh of my client's demon flesh, the blood of my client's unholy blood," said Allred. "He chose (Smith) from all the women in the world to be the mother of his only living child."

Added Allred, "God is dead; Hail Satan."

The claim comes just days after Satan and Smith were rumored to have wed. A videotape obtained by Entertainment Tonight shows Smith and Satan exchanging vows in an unholy union aboard a catamaran piloted by Charon, ferryman of Hades, on a lake of fire near the mouth of the river Styx.

The tape is dated February 9th, indicating that the ceremony took place less than twenty-four hours after Smith died and was banished to the fiery pits of hell.

In what may prove to be an embarrassment to Satan, the footage goes on to show an incoherent and rapidly decomposing Smith complaining about the heat and murmuring about the weight loss product TrimSpa.

Smith then looks directly at the camera and screams "Like my body?", before pulling down her dress to reveal two mounds of festering maggots and stinging wasps eating away at her once famous 42-DD breasts. A screaming Smith is then engulfed in flames and whisked away by the winged beast known only as Geryon to suffer unspeakable horrors at the hands of Satan's minions.

During the horrifying spectacle, Satan can be heard commenting that "This footage is worth money."

While authorities are still uncertain as to the cause of Smith's death, religious authorities are also baffled as to which level of hell Smith will be assigned. William Hill, a professor of religious studies at Loyola University Chicago, says there is just no telling where she might end up.

"When you have a person who's committed this many sins it's a real crapshoot," said Hill. "The obvious choice would be the second circle for lust, but I can just as easily see her over in circle four pushing weights with those who excessively coveted and squandered material wealth, or being forced to eat her own excrement with the gluttons of circle three.

Hill also speculates that if Smith's death is ruled a suicide it will further complicate the damnation process.

"If she killed herself, all bets are off," Hill said. "At that point we might be talking middle ring, seventh circle; turned into a gnarled tree that is constantly torn apart by the Harpies."

The prospect of Smith being sent to the middle ring of the seventh circle of hell seemed to bring some comfort to Smith's friend, television personality Larry King, who believes she would have wanted to rot in hell near her idol Marilyn Monroe, who also committed suicide.

"Wherever the stars are being tormented by demons in perpetuity, that's where Anna would have wanted to be tormented by demons in perpetuity," King said. "She's truly America's fallen angel."

Some of My Best Friends are N-Words

(By Local Housewife Sue Swayze)

I know it's been a few weeks since it happened, but this whole Michael Richard's thing still has me sick to my stomach. How could anyone get up on stage and say those hurtful things? There ought to be a law against it. I for one am completely against racism, and I never ever use racial slurs. It's just not who I am. In fact, I know this might sound cliched, but some of my best friends are N-words.

LaWanda at the beauty parlor, those waitresses at the Cracker Barrel, that nice tollbooth lady at exit 7; the list of my N-word friends goes on and on. And the reason that I'm "down" with so many N-words is simple: I practice what I preach. It's not enough to simply say that you are against racism. Actions speak louder than words.

For example, when someone from out of town asks me for directions, I never tell them to steer clear of the "black" neighborhood. Instead, I refer to it as the "bad" neighborhood or "the ghetto." That way, for all they know I'm talking about a 16th century Jewish enclave in Europe and not about a clump of government housing projects filled with impoverished N-words. Little things like that make a big difference in the fight against racism.

That reminds me; just the other day I saw a TV program that said Jesus might have been an N-word! Wouldn't that just beat all?

Another way I help combat racism is by supporting N-words in popular culture. Can you imagine how boring the entertainment industry would be if it were all white? Talk about a snooze fest. But N-words, on the other hand, are such a vibrant people. It's almost impossible for them to not be entertaining. It must be genetic.

For starters, I can't function in the morning without two things: a cup of coffee (black, of course LOL : ) ) and my daily dose of Oprah (you go girl)! As far as music is concerned, I just love the soulful rhythms of Rubin Stoddard. That N-word sure can sing!

And let's not forget the multi-talented Will Smith. I'm a little too old for the rap music, but I just love to watch his movies, provided I don't have to go to see them at that filthy Cineplex in the "bad" part of town. I mean, haven't those people heard of picking up after themselves? And I know I said that actions speak louder than words, but it seems like nobody speaks louder than N-words during a movie. I will never understand that.

Speaking of Will Smith, don't you think he looks a lot like Barack Obama? They're practically twins! I really like that Obama. When he was on Oprah, he came across as so intelligent that I almost forgot he is half-N-word (his mother is white, but his father is an African-American from Kenya).

I hope he runs for president. Wouldn't it be great to have an N-word in the White House? Plus, he's a Democrat. I already feel good about myself when I vote the party line without even bothering to learn the names of the candidates. Imagine how great I'll feel walking out of that booth having voted for a man whose name I actually know! And the fact that he's an N-word will make me feel extra progressive!

I don't know how people can vote for Republicans. They just want to send N-words off to Iraq to get blown up by those crazy sand N-words. If that's not racism I don't know what is.

I'd be proud if my daughter Emily brought home a nice N-word boy. Too bad the same can't be said for my husband Bill. He's not as racially enlightened as I am. If Emily turned out to be an N-word lover it would all but destroy him. The thought of a big N-word cock pounding our little girl would drive him to suicide, and to be honest I wouldn't miss him. The man hasn't so much as touched me in the past five years.

But look at me. I'm rambling like a drunken N-word on the first of the month.
I really think it's sad that in this day and age there are still people like my husband. But until the government outlaws racism, which I really feel they should, the only thing good people like us can do is lead by example. So if we all make lots of N-word friends, support N-word entertainers, and always vote Democrat, we'll put a stop to racism in no time.

Oh, and never ever use the N-word. N-words deserve better.

I also feel that what two grown men do in the privacy of their own bedroom is nobody else's business. Let's talk about what a non-issue it is for the next twenty minutes...

An Open Letter From Brad Pitt's Penis

Dear Brad,

What the fuck? What in God’s holy name are you doing to me? Have you lost your mind?

You’re Brad fucking Pitt! The Sexiest Man Alive! You have a gift for which any man would gladly give his left testicle. All you have to do is snap your fingers, and any woman on this planet will spread faster than Parkay (and if the statistics are correct, so will about 10% of the men).

Right now we could be in a hotel room with a dozen half-naked Victoria’s Secret models. We could be hanging out by Clooney’s pool with a bunch of bikini-clad Playmates! We could be picking a sorority house at random and then nailing every girl inside. But instead we’re in butt-fucking Namibia waiting for Billy Bob Thornton’s extra-sloppy seconds to squeeze out your kid. Smooth move, brainiac! This is much better than hanging out with Hef at the mansion. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Look, I‘m sorry if I‘m coming across as harsh. You’re a great guy, and I’m extremely lucky to be a part of you. But this isn’t the first time you’ve fucked up. A while back your dumb ass went and got engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow. Luckily we dodged a bullet when that fell through. No big deal; we all make mistakes. But instead of learning from those mistakes you went and got engaged again, this time to Jennifer Aniston. Now don’t get me wrong, I’d think getting married to a hot girl like Jennifer Aniston would be a great idea if I was Lyle Lovett’s penis, or if I was hanging between the legs of some schmuck like Ross Geller. But I’m Brad Pitt‘s penis, damn it! The world is my bearded clam! So excuse me if I get a little fucking annoyed when you go and throw it all away to be with Rachel from "Friends".

Once you tied the knot with Aniston I thought we were fucked. But rather than let you squander their precious gift of limitless vagina, the gods saw fit to break us out of your self-imposed prison. In their wisdom they sent us Angelina Jolie, quite possibly the world’s most perfect home wrecker. She’s got an extremely hot body, she’s bi-sexual, and, best of all, her father has been quoted as saying that she has "serious emotional problems." Bingo! Problem solved! I’ll have my fun with Angelina, your wife will leave us, and you’ll be a free man again. Get in, pull out, get on with your life! What could go wrong?

I‘ll tell you what could go wrong. Your dumb ass could fall in love with your fucking mistress. You might be the dumbest person on this whole godforsaken planet. I’m surprised you haven’t traded away your residuals from Ocean’s 11 for some magic fucking beans. Falling in love with your mistress is like paying an illegal immigrant a fair wage. It totally defeats the fucking purpose! You just don’t do it!

Then again, it looks like you never received the list of things you just don’t do. If you had, I’m sure you would have noticed the entry about not taking legal custody of your crazy-ass mistress’s third-world adoptees. It would have been a hard one to miss. It’s in big bold letters right near the top, just under “don’t fuck a monkey with AIDS” and just above “don‘t let a gay Scientologist knock you up.” It’s a real shame you missed that, because we could have avoided a lot of trouble. But now Angelina’s two little cock blocks are our headache too, you fucking dip-shit.

To be honest I feel sorry for the poor little bastards, especially the little Asian kid with the Mohawk. Not only is Angelina Jolie the only mother they‘ve ever known, but up until now the closest thing they’ve had to a father is that ugly Asian chick their mommy used to screw. They would have been better off taking their chances in Ethiopia, or Cambodia, or wherever the fuck they were from. Hell, the Asian kid might have become the next Pol Pot, but now he’ll probably just end up getting a sex change and going on "The Surreal Life".

But you were not content with turning these third-world orphans into future Jay Leno punch lines. No, you decided that you needed to produce your own offspring with a bisexual suffering from "serious emotional problems.” Fan-fucking-tastic. That ought to do wonders for her figure, which just happens to be her only redeeming quality. Do you have any idea what it’s like having sex with a woman who’s given birth? It’s like fucking a bucket, man. You might as well just use me to hump a hallway. At least it won’t demand an explanation as to why I can’t climax.

That brings us to where we are today: Namibia. I know when I think of places with great medical care, Namibia is always first on my list. This is a country where it isn’t safe to piss without wearing a condom, so I’m sure it’s a great spot for birthing. Yeah, fuck Johns Hopkins. This game lodge surrounded by lions is just as good. You’re gonna be one hell of a father.

Look, you’re in charge here, and I’m just along for the ride. I don‘t agree with any of this, but there’s not much I can do to change your mind. Hell, Jon Voight says she’s crazy, and you won’t even listen to him. So I’m only gonna say this once. Someday when an even crazier Angelina Jolie’s once-perfect tits are hanging down to her knees and you are forced to make Ocean’s 17 to pay for your kid’s multiple rehab sessions, you’ll wish you could go back in time, pull your head out of your ass and start thinking with your cock. When that day comes, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sincerely,

Brad Pitt’s Penis

Baby Animals Found in 'House of Filth'

DU BOIS, PA (AP)- A local woman known only as "Nanny" to her neighbors was charged Thursday with animal neglect and abuse after authorities raided her home and found close to a dozen animals, dressed in children's clothing, living in conditions witnesses described as deplorable.

Animal control officers were summoned after receiving numerous complaints about a foul odor emanating from the residence. Upon arriving, officers were forced to wear respirators to avoid being overcome by the stench.

"The smell was unimaginable," said animal control officer Betsy Leto, who was first on the scene. "I rang the bell, and up walked this elderly woman wearing nothing but a skirt, green stripped socks and a pair of sneakers. As soon as she cracked the door the stink hit me and I about lost it."

Added Leto, "There was garbage and fecal matter everywhere you stepped. It was a house of filth."

Once inside, officers found all of the animals locked in a single room with no floor drains or running water. According to officers, the room appeared to be decorated as if it were a child's nursery, complete with toys, cribs, and even children's books.

"She really thought these things were her children," said Amanda Hohmann, a psychologist who was called in to evaluate the mental state of the home's owner. "She kept referring to them as her babies, and from the looks of it she may have been attempting to breastfeed. It's a very sad case."

All of the animals were severely malnourished. Some were found to have parasites and oozing wounds, while others were already dead. Eyewitness accounts of the raid describe animal control officers removing numerous species from the home, including a dog, a frog, and various other creatures that were so caked in their own feces that they could not be easily identified.

Despite the wide variety of animals, the owner apparently allowed all of them to mingle freely amongst one another, a decision that led to a particularly gruesome scene for investigators who found a small bear gnawing on the remains of an animal that could only be described as a "blue weirdo."

"You can't have these animals living together like this without cages, especially if you're not going to feed them properly," said Humane Society spokesman Luke Hanish. "I mean, a bear and a pig? How the hell is that going to work?"

Hanish noted that all of the surviving animals are likely to be euthanized.

The raid came as no surprise to many nearby residents, who complained that the city did not act fast enough in dealing with the situation. Next-door neighbor and retired police officer Frank Caruthers says that he has been complaining to the city for years, but to no avail.

"This stuff has been going on since the mid-eighties," Caruthers said. "She must have been an exotic pet dealer or something, cause some of those things looked almost human. I know it sounds crazy, but once while I was watering my lawn, I heard this animal yell 'go bye-bye' in perfect English!"

Added Caruthers, "I'll sleep better knowing they're dead."

If convicted, the home's owner could face up to a year in prison and $50,000 in fines. The woman's court-appointed attorney Timothy Nelson says that his client suffers from a well-documented mental disorder known as "Pet Hoarding," and that she will be mounting an insanity defense.

"Let's look at the facts," Nelson said. "This poor old woman is dressing animals in diapers, encouraging them to read books, and trying to get them to sing songs. Is there any doubt that my client is insane? When the facts are made known to the jury, it will be an open and shut case."

The woman is due in court this Friday.

Cringer Succumbs to Feline AIDS

CASTLE GREYSKULL- Cringer, the cowardly green tiger and long time companion of Prince Adam of Eternia, has died after a lengthy struggle with Feline AIDS, a spokesman for the Royal Palace of Eternos told The Associated Press on Thursday.

Cringer was surrounded by a small group of friends and loved ones when he passed away, including Prince Adam, King Randor, and Queen Marlena.

"He was my everything and I will love him forever," Prince Adam said in a written statement. “At this time, we ask that you please respect our privacy as we mourn our loss.”

Cringer’s public life seemed to consist mainly of sleeping, eating, and avoiding danger at all costs. But the tabloids have repeatedly accused the cat of leading a double life as the flamboyant, mask-wearing homosexual diva known to Eternia’s gay club scene as “Battle Cat.”

This was the royal family’s first public acknowledgement of Cringer’s illness. In the past, the Royal Palace had refused to comment on Cringer‘s health, and had denied all rumors of a secret identity. The circumstances surrounding Cringer’s death are all but certain to fuel further speculation.

“He was ridiculous,” said Orko, an openly homosexual magician who claims to have spotted Cringer at “Snake Mountain,” a popular gay nightclub.

“My boyfriend Fisto and I saw him wearing a saddle and being ridden by some greasy half-naked he-man,” Orko said. "I went over to tell him hello, and he was all like ‘What? Who’s Cringer? My name’s Battle Cat!’ Please! Like that dreadful mask was going to fool anybody. How tacky!”

Added Orko, “Hey, whatever gets you off, sweetheart.”

Regardless of the validity of these claims, some believe that Cringer’s death should serve at as a wake up call to the dangers of Feline AIDS.

“Instead of launching preemptive wars against Skeletor or Hordak the Royal Family should be funding FIV prevention programs,” said Ram Man, a prominent Eternian gay rights activist. “Maybe if they listened to the medical community rather than religious wackos like the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull, Cringer might still be alive.”

Man-at-Arms, a long time associate of the royal family, described Ram Man’s statements as “the worst kind of Monday morning-quarterbacking.”

“It’s time (Ram Man) started thinking about how he and his community would be treated if Skeletor was in charge,” Man-at-Arms said. “The royal family did everything it could for Cringer. Especially Prince Adam. He is the kindest, strongest, and most beautiful man I’ve ever known.”

Added Man-at-Arms, “That came out wrong. Please don’t print that. I’m not gay. What, is it the moustache?”

A private memorial service will be held on Saturday at Castle Grayskull.

Panty Shopping with Lindsay Lohan

Do, these panties make my clit look fat? They totally do, don't they? Ewww, gross! No wonder Aaron left me for that bitch Hillary Duff. My clit looks so fat and disgusting in these panties.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's not the panties that make my clit look fat. My clit is fat. I hate it so much. I mean, look at it! It's like a big ugly zit sticking out the top of my vag, and no matter how hard I try it won't pop. This just isn't fair. I finally got rid of my huge tits and my luscious ass, and now this. I'm so ugly and worthless.

Wilmer used to tell me that I had a beautiful clit and that I shouldn't worry about it. What the fuck did he know? Like I'm gonna take advice from the guy who plays FES. Puh-leez! He's a spic, and everyone knows that spics like fat girls. If Kelso told me that my clit wasn't fat I might believe him. But Ashton wouldn't even look twice at a clit this big unless he was trying to 'punk' me or something. God, I'm such a tub of lard. My "love bug" is fully loaded...with fat.

I've got no one to blame but myself. I ate like a whole bag of baby carrots yesterday. Everyone knows that carrots go straight to your clit. I'm so fucking stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't thinking, and now I'm paying the price. I might as well just call it a cock and be done with it. Maybe if I throw up a little more I can bring it down to size. I need some fucking coke.

The worst part is I just know those Simpson bitches are gonna make fun of me for this; not to mention Tara Reid. I hope she rots in hell. Who is she to talk? Tara's clit probably looks like a gnarled piece of pork fat. It smells bad too. It's true! Seann William Scott told me that her cunt smelled worse than week-old yellow-tail, and it's not even fully shaved! But that won't even matter once the tabloids catch wind of Hurricane Klit-rina over here! I'll be ruined.

I wish I was more like Paris Hilton. Her body is so perfect. She's so in shape that she doesn't even get a period any more, much less have to worry about her clit bulging out of her panties. Why can't my clit be like that? I wish I had never been born.

I heard a rumor that Paris went to this Saudi doctor out in Van Nuys who actually knows how to remove clits. He's really more of a barber, but I hear that's pretty much the same thing over there, so it's like totally safe. Plus, I guess it's like some kind of Islamic custom, or something, which is cool. I wonder if that's like the same as Kabbalah? I hear all the girls in Arabia and Africa get their clits removed when they turn twelve. They are so lucky! Must be nice. Why don't they do that here? I hate America. I hate my clit. I hate myself.